I know I haven’t posted an update in awhile. Mainly because… well life has been hard lately. I’ve been struggling a lot mentally. Having and dealing with anxiety and depression with very little sleep is mind numbing. Some days the exhaustion catches up to me and I have a tendency to retreat into this dark hole and sometimes it takes me awhile to get out of. Before Wally when I would have these episodes I would just sleep it off. Well as we all know that’s not possible with Mr. Wally J.
So I spend the dark moments mainly crying, begging God for strength, and trying to find the positive in every day. The truth is, being a mom to Wally is the best thing I have ever done. And for the most part he is doing wonderfully. But being the main care giver can take its toll. There are some days I don’t even recognize who I am anymore. I still haven’t lost all the baby weight and most days I don’t even look in a mirror because I’m just disgusted with how I look. There’s no time for the things I used to enjoy. No time for friends (the little friends I now have). Family. Even my dog and husband. I cannot even remember when is the last time I did something for myself. My days are consisted of taking care of Wally, drs appts, drawing up medicines, filling bottles, washing bottles, cleaning the house, making sure everyone is taken care of that I realize…. there’s no time left for myself. And than there’s the worrying. Worrying that Wally’s getting sick. Worrying that his heart will stop beating. Worrying about why he doesn’t sleep. Worrying about the future and what that may look like for him. Worrying about whether or not I should be doing something different for him. Is he hurting? Is he happy? Scared? My mind is always going in a thousand different directions and I can’t even begin to describe how exhausting it is.
Now don’t get my wrong. I have an amazing husband who is ever so patient with me and my crazy self. He helps as much as he can. And Wally just adores him. We also have people offering to help. But the problem I’m having is letting go of the control. Letting people help. Because I have this notion that no one can do it better than I can (not realistic). Wally can be difficult and he’s very particular and when I think about someone else watching him I panic. My heart literally races. I feel nauseous. Will he be good? Will it go ok? Will he wonder where I am? Do they know exactly how to swaddle him? Exactly how to feed him? Will they know when he’s tired or in pain? A lot of this… isn’t realistic. It’s my anxiety that I need to get under control. I need to learn to let go just a little bit.. But it’s hard. Oh so hard. And I struggle with it daily. As I type this with tears in my eyes I realize how big of a mess I am as I tell myself to just breathe.
I know a lot of the people who are close to us probably think I’m crazy. Some I believe are in denial of Wallys diagnosis. It’s easy to be in denial when he looks normal and you aren’t living the day to day with him. And maybe I am crazy. Actually I probably am just a little bit. I never would have imagined this would be my life. Never in my wildest dreams. But does anyone really think they’re going to lose a child? Or birth another child who will end up being medically fragile?
Every day I’m working on my anxiety. Working on letting go. It’s a rough road and times are tough, but I know in my heart it’ll get better.. And what will keep me going until then is Wally hitting a milestone. The way he looks up at me and smiles. That full belly laugh he does that makes my heart sing. He is my strength. He is my motivation. He is my will to keep on keeping on.
“Tough times never last, but tough people do.”