I was telling my friend that this blogging thing is very over whelming. Mainly because there is so much to our history, to our story that I wasn’t quite sure what my next blog post should be. I decided that these posts don’t necessarily have to be in order of how they happened. This may be lengthy. So bare with me as I venture on to reliving one of the moments that changed all of our lives.
From the moment Wally was born, I always had a gut feeling that something was wrong with him. I didn’t know if I was being paranoid due to losing Henry (that story will come another day) or my gut was right. I learned to always go with my gut.
Wally wasn’t an easy newborn. Man, he still isn’t easy. But he never slept. Screamed all the time as if he was in pain. He was always stiff and never seemed to feel relaxed. He had these moments where his color seemed off and he would just look sick. We would take him to his pediatrician (who is amazing and has the most amazing staff) what seemed like every week. They knew our history and were always so kind. But they didn’t have an answer for what was wrong with him. Colic? Need a formula change? They probably thought I was nuts. But little did they know I kind of was.
I remember the first few weeks of his life, I was beyond exhausted. All I did was cry. I remember there were many times I would go into the shower, sit on the floor, and just cry and cry. What had I gotten in to? Why was this so hard? I was a nurse. Why couldn’t I figure out what was wrong with my baby? Maybe I wasn’t meant to be a mom. The depression over took me and I was not easy to be around. I remember feeling so isolated. So alone. I remember feeling angry that AJ got to go to work and have a break and I was stuck by myself. Not knowing how to comfort this sweet little boy God gave me. I would cry myself to sleep just staring at him when he did sleep. I would always think besides losing Henry this was the hardest thing I had ever gone through. I don’t even think the people closest to me realized how bad I struggled. What should have been one of the greatest times of my life…it was actually one of the darkest times. Little did I know at the time that things would get worse.
The Friday before super bowl Sunday Wally woke up sounding sick. He has laryngomalacia (a floppy airway) which makes him a noisy breather. So it was hard for me to distinguish whether he was wheezing or if it was just his malacia. I took him to his pediatrician. They checked his oxygen. It was fine. They kept listening to his lungs over and over trying to distinguish if he was wheezy or not. They finally decided he was fine. To watch him over the weekend and to call with anymore problems. Well on Saturday he woke up with a croup sounding cough. I took him to a prompt care. Of course he wouldn’t cough while there 🙄🙄. They said he was fine. I remember that night I just had this doom and gloom feeling. That something bad was going to happen. That things were not ok. Well it’s because they weren’t.
That Sunday, February 4th, super bowl Sunday. We went to my parents for a super bowl party since my dad is a huge patriots fan! I remember sitting in my moms recliner, holding Wally, looking at AJ telling him with my eyes something wasn’t right. Wally was lethargic. His color looked off. His cough was getting worse. He was also retracting more than he usually did. He sounded and just looked miserable. He wouldn’t eat. But no fever and was still having wet diapers. I took him into my moms bathroom and ran the shower to steam up the room. Do you ever have a moment that has happened in your life that you know you’ll never forget for as long as you live? Well as I was swaying Wally who was just in a diaper, singing to him, I looked down with tears in my eyes into his baby blue eyes staring back at me. He looked up at me with this glazed look, almost like he was telling me, “Mom I’m not ok. It’s time to go to the hospital.” It was the most surreal moment of my life, a moment I’ll never forget. I turned off the shower. Walked out to the living room and got AJ. He told me to call the peds after hours. I did. And they told me to go straight to the hospital. I remember packing up Wally crying and feeling like I could be sick.
We arrived at OSF ED around 730 where they checked us in and took us straight back to a room. They ran some tests, hooked Wally up to the monitor, and we waited. And waited. And waited. We were all exhausted. Being in a small and hot room with a sick 7 week old was not fun. But finally around 1 am the test came back that he had RSV and we were being admitted. As much as I hated that he was sick, I was so glad I wasn’t crazy and he was going to get the help he needed. We finally got to the general peds floor around 2am. It was explained that we’d probably be there a couple days, he was put on some oxygen, and we all tried to sleep.
I don’t really remember much of the days after that night, leading up to what I call D Day (diagnosis day). What I do remember is how exhausted we all were. And how sick Wally really was. I remember feeling terrified, yet calm, that we had these amazing nurses and doctors looking after our baby. The monitor that he was hooked up to, as annoying as it was with the constant beeping, was a relief. To be able to watch his stats gave me peace of mind.
If only I would have known than that my sweet little baby boy contracting RSV would save his life. That RSV was the least of our worries. I wish I could have prepared myself for what was to come next…. but looking back…. Nothing could have prepared me for what would turn out to be the second worst day of my life.